These past two years I have learned so much, I have grown so much, I’m SO thankful and blessed for EVERYDAY spent with my sweet boy. Christian has brought so much joy and love to our lives. He touches people’s lives daily with his immeasurable strength. His sweet smile can brighten a dark day in a instant, he just radiates love.
Although we have had many amazing happy days… we have had some pretty dark days. And today, unfortunately, is kicking my butt. It’s literally a battle with myself. My strong kick ass momma mentality vs. the weak, sad, grieving momma mentality…. Sometimes I just can’t climb out of the darkness…. and that’s okay, I’ll get out. But for now I think I’ll sit here and cry and let these thoughts out….
When we first found out Christian was not the healthy baby we had prayed for, it felt completely debilitating. All of the things we had planned for our first child just seemed to diminish with each new diagnosis. I sometimes find myself feeling so incredibly jealous, sad, and a little bit cheated. I’ve been mourning in a sense these past two years. I’ve mourned for the baby I thought I’d have. I’ve cried countless tears for the injustice of being dealt an unfair hand. I think about the child I might have had. I actually grieve for him, and feel awful for it. I have forgiven myself and know that it’s okay to grieve. This all is extremely hard to wrap my head around… still.
Even with this dark cloud hanging over me today… I know I’ll be okay. I don’t want pity. I don’t want you to be sad for me. Just pray for me. Pray for more strength, for more understanding, and just for me to be at peace and not let the unknown of tomorrow consume my happiness today.
Christian is amazing at brightening my dark days and I’m sure if he could talk he would tell me to quit being such a baby. He seriously is the strongest person I know. He is absolutely incredible. I am so blessed to be his momma.
I know everyone has battles they are fighting daily. There is no scale. My battle is no more significant than yours. So if you are battling something today and feel like you are alone or will never win this battle… you are wrong!
We WILL get through it. Just hang in there. 💕
It’s so hard to talk sometimes. I’m thankful for this blog. Helps me get my thoughts out of my head so they don’t consume the last bit of sanity I’ve been clingy to. Thanks for reading my ramblings.